My own little soapbox...

I’ve been feeling like crap! (worse)

Belyc — Tue, 12 Jul 2011 13:24:23 +0000

Since my last update, I’ve been referred to and accepted by a top pain management clinic 1.5 hours away, over state lines. None of the (so called) pain management doctors I saw here were equipped (or willing) to help me. My doctor, who I first saw (I believe) in February, has put me on much better medication. He also gave me a 5-day trial on a neurostimulator, which uses electrical impulses to disrupt pain signals to the brain. It consists of a lead with electrical contacts inserted into the thoracic spine, operated by a patient programmer. I was able, to some degree, to change settings, see how it felt, and give it a test run. I felt it was successful, so I had surgery and a permanent one was implanted. It hasn’t been the miracle I hoped it would be, and I was told that most people with neurostimulators still take medication regularly, and I’m one of them.

I seem to be having a problem managing my medication, unfortunately. My goal is to be pain-free, and the medication doesn’t always work, or work well, so I take another. That leaves me with a shortfall at month’s end. I’m now having my wife give me a specific amount of the medication every evening for use the next day. This way, I do not fall short. If it turns out that this system leaves me in too much pain, I’ll have a chat with my doctor about options. But I must say I have learned my lesson about not minding the amount I take. These last few days have been awful. Luckily my wife has a weaker pain medication and she’s given it to me. It takes just enough of the edge off that I no longer feel like a lower life form, but quite human again, even though the pain is still there. I calculated a way to repay her so she has pain medication when needed, so we’re good.

I have the rest of this day and all of tomorrow to get through, then my medication will be refillable. What irritates the crap out of me, and I’m already grouchy because I’m in pain, is the doc’s office put my refill date one day later than it should have been! Grrr….that means I have to wait this extra day (tomorrow) before I can feel like a mostly normal human again. I would have pointed this out to them, but they mail my prescription to save me the drive. I would have to call them, then drive a total of 3 hours to and fro. I decided it’s easier to wait it out. Maybe it’ll ingrain the lesson even more. Keeping my sanity, in the meantime has been a major job; a job I’m not sure I’ve done so well. Thursday will never look so good to me ever again, unless my daughter marries on a Thursday or has a baby on the day.

Yet another slice in the flesh…

Belyc — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 22:12:02 +0000

So my fascist extremist parents who would cut their own child completely out of their lives because he has differing political views have decided to divest themselves of visual reminders of said son. I found a box on my doorstep today from ‘mother’ addressed to my daughter, so being unsure of whether it would be safe to give to her without previewing it first given the situation, I opened it. It said “photos” on the outside, but for such a large box? It contained photos taken from albums, pictures from off the walls, even duplicate pictures. I’m pretty up on ‘their’ photo inventory, and there was only one set not accounted for. I wonder if my sister took it? So now that I’ve taken out the few photos I don’t want from the mass, what to do? Do I present it to my daughter with the enclosed note? (it was quite benign, luckily) I’m holding on to it for the moment. I hate the idea of fulfilling a request of my ‘parents’, but it is not an evil one, so, perhaps one day, when I’m in an extraordinarily good mood, I’ll pull that box down.

I’m going to build an altar

Belyc — Sun, 27 Jun 2010 22:02:50 +0000

Of sorts. Not a sacrificial altar, but a meditative altar. A shelf or table I can sit in front of when I meditate and burn incense, and put items I want to keep in mind. Now I have to decide what I items (other than incense) I want to put there. I plan to meditate on health and wealth, so meaningful items there, and a few Hebrew prayers. It’ll certainly be different than meditating on my breathing or tumbling a rock over in my tummy.

So it finally hit me…

Belyc — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 01:22:32 +0000

My parents are fascists.

I was listening to NPR in the car this morning and they were talking about a political candidate in The Netherlands who is a neo-fascist. I was thinking about European neo-fascism, mainly fueled by muslim immigration, and how it bears some similarity to anti-Jewish sentiment (and laws) prior to WWII. Then I go to work and forget about it. After work I’m laying down for a nap and thinking about my parents when I suddenly match up the neo-fascist movement and my parent’s political views. OMG it hit me like the proverbial pile of bricks. My parents are fucking fascists. I’m horrified.

Black day…

Belyc — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 21:09:22 +0000

Today my biological parents ceased to exist. Shame, too, because I thought we were getting along pretty well. There’s a purpose why everything happens; something that’s ultimately in our better interest even if we can’t see it at the moment. I don’t feel deprived, tho, because I have two amazingly wonderful parents in my in-laws. They’ve been so generous, loving and supportive that I can’t imagine what my life would have been like without them.

I’ll start my lovely new blog with a kvetch.

Belyc — Fri, 04 Jun 2010 21:43:21 +0000

Why is it that doctors, even doctors that know me and are very familiar with my chronic pain condition, are reluctant to provide treatment that actually works? We have medicine, cheap medicine, in this country that my insurance will pay for and I cannot (or only on rare occasion) access it. It’s so stupid! Fuck! It’s not fair. Why should I suffer with pain when it’s so easily treatable? It’s a sin what these doctors do (or refuse to do). I don’t know if it will reflect in their karma or not, but when they know they can help someone who genuinely needs it and they won’t, then I kinda hope it does. I shouldn’t be vindictive, I know, but I hate suffering alone.